What is Asian Shame Culture?

...And How Can Our Own Values Betray Us?

Apr 16, 2021

Trigger warning: This article discusses suicidal ideation and mental illness. Please read at your own discretion.

“Katherine Tong sat in the church pew listening to a eulogy delivered by a father who lost his son to suicide. She thought, ’Thank God our family is OK.’ What she didn't expect was that six months later, her stepson Evan Tong ended his life in his own room saturated with carbon monoxide. He was only 17. She knew he was depressed, but quickly dismissed any worries that he would take his own life. ‘No, he will never do that,’ the mother told herself the moment when the idea flashed through her head. For the Tong family, like so many in the Asian community, suicide and mental illness had been far away from them. In fact, they didn't talk about it.”
— Dongyao Nie
"Why Are Young Asian Americans Killing Themselves?"

This story alone does not encapsulate the experiences of everyone that has struggled with suicidal ideation. As a matter of fact, there is no collective story at all. Nevertheless, there is a common thought amongst the grief: I should have seen the signs earlier – I could have done things differently. However, being able to notice when our loved ones are suffering is not the sole path towards preventing suicide. It is certainly a crucial level of awareness to strive for, but we must also underline the factors that discourage people from seeking help at all. Such factors come in many forms and differ between each ethnic group, but here we will discuss one that is especially prominent in the Asian American diaspora.

Many believe that suicidal ideations are driven by misery. However, we must understand that for many—especially Asian Americans—it often comes from a place of shame. The roots of such a feeling precede young Asian Americans like Evan Tong. Our parents carry with them the burdens of a cultural phenomenon known as the shame-honor worldview. Before delving any deeper into what this means for the Asian American community’s mental health, though, we must first understand what the guilt-shame-fear spectrum is.

Unpacking the Guilt-Shame-Fear Spectrum

In a broader sense, the guilt-shame-fear spectrum refers to the societal norms that govern how an individual behaves. It does not define whether or not someone’s actions are morally sound, but rather points to which of three emotions the collective group is mainly guided by: guilt, shame, and fear.

In a guilt society, individuals mainly behave based on a collective agreement on good vs. bad. They are guided by either being rewarded for virtuous acts, or punished for unlawful behavior. This type of moral compass can be reflected through each society’s respective justice system, or through the collective enforcement of religious norms. Being an upstanding citizen lands someone on the virtuous side of society, while disobeying the laws to harm others will do the opposite. Likewise, Heaven is the outcome of a generally righteous life, whereas Hell is eternal damnation. As stated in the graphic above, this culture asks: “Is my behavior fair or unfair?”

In a fear society, it is not as common to consider the possibility of gaining a reward. Instead, individuals must act to avoid punishment altogether. This does not mean that the culture is devoid of societal values. It is moreso that policies are guided by an oppressive state’s desire to subjugate, not guide the people. This culture asks: “Will someone hurt me if I do this?”

Finally, we have the shame society. It underlines honor as the opposite of shame, and is often reflected through collectivist values. This means that the “individual” is really just one piece of a larger unit, and the collective order of this unit takes precedence over individual desires. This unit takes many forms: your family, classmates, coworkers, and even society as a whole. Nevertheless, no matter the type, one must do what is best for the group—not themselves. This culture asks: “How will people look at me if I do X?”

As seen in the graphic, almost all countries in the Asian continent take part in shame-honor culture. Furthermore, ancient Asian philosophies attribute one’s value to their ability to effectively provide for their unit. These notions fuel the stigmatization of mental illness, which can hinder an individual’s capacity to provide for others. Let’s talk about how harmful this is for first-generation Asian Americans, many of whose parents have carried these collectivist values from overseas.

Shame Culture’s Damage on Asian American Mental Health

According to data collected from the National Latino and Asian American Study (NLAAS) in 2012, Asian Americans are three times less likely to seek mental health services than white Americans.

An additional study conducted by The University of Maryland School of Public Health research team in 2007 found that factors such as…

Family obligations based on strong cultural values
Difficulty in balancing two cultures and developing a bicultural sense of self
Mental health being a taboo topic in many Asian cultures

...all contribute to the mental health struggles of young East and Southeast Asian American adults. A similar case has been made for South Asian Americans as well:

“Even though Indians have experienced depression, schizophrenia, and other issues, those suffering from mental illness are still not completely accepted in mainstream Indian society. South Asians immigrating to the United States have naturally brought these biases and fears with them. Many believe mental illness is not a real illness, but rather the product of hysteria or an overactive imagination. A person with depression is often dismissed as just playing the victim. Someone dealing with anxiety or stress is seen as merely weak-minded.”
— Dr. Jyothsna Bhat
“The Taboo of Mental Illness in the South Asian American Community”

With each of these cases, there appears to be an underlying notion that Asian Americans must “save face” by avoiding discussions that may invite shame. While there is no inherent wrongness in wanting to keep the collective peace, continuing a social practice that tends to diminish one’s own needs will inevitably hurt the individual. After all, it has already hurt an entire generation of Asian Americans.

As displayed above, Asian American suicide rates increased substantially between 2011 and 2015. That year, suicide was the leading cause of death for young Asian Americans; and yet, many have struggled to seek help despite how debilitating their mental illnesses became. This is not because they just assume that they can just handle it on their own.

“There’s an underlying fear among the Asian-American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) community that getting mental health treatment means you’re “crazy.” If you admit you need help for your mental health, parents and other family members might experience fear and shame. They may assume that your condition is a result of their poor parenting or a hereditary flaw, and that you’re broken because of them. Seeking help from those outside the immediate family also conflicts with the Asian- and Pacific Islander-specific cultural value of interdependence. After all, why would you pay to tell a stranger your problems when you should be relying on the strength of your community?”
– Ryann Tanap, Filipino Writer and Mental Health Advocate
“Why Asian-Americans and Pacific Islanders Don’t go to Therapy”

There is strength in falling back on your family, your community, or any other meaningful unit in your life. Despite the harmful implications of shame culture, there is also love rooted in a unit that wishes to hold onto and support one another. Nevertheless, when one’s devotion to their unit constantly takes precedence over their own needs, they harm themselves in the process. In order to break the cycle of toxic collectivity and step closer to healing, we must step out of the unit at some points. Mental illness is not one-size-fits-all. It is unique to the individual experiencing it, and there is no one who can understand their struggle better than themselves. The question should not be whether or not the subject is harmful to the group—It should be how the group can support their loved one as an individual, not a puzzle piece.

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What are some ways that the shame-honor worldview presented itself in your own life? What are some obstacles that you’ve faced when dealing with mental health, that can possibly be traced back to your culture? What are some ways that you’ve overcome these barriers? I would love to hear about it in the comments!

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