Don't Regret Past Hardships, Find Hope Within Them
How hope can keep you alive during times of hardships and desperation.
I peeled my eyelids open after a lethargic nap. Light seeped through the blinds, though gloom still hovered over my dorm. While reaching for my laptop, a pang of pain struck my chest. Suddenly, my throat was constricting as tears started blurring my vision. Gathering my remaining breaths, I forced myself to the nearest hospital.
My eyelids fluttered at the blinding lights. I was awoken by a nurse at 2 a.m. for a doctor’s evaluation, only to hear what I already knew:
I was struggling with anxiety.
But was it a debilitating pain or simply a growing pain? I couldn’t tell.
I could only spiral deeper into self-destructive thoughts.
I lifted my eyelids to see the dim celestial vastness, but this time, I wasn’t alone in a dingy dorm but at my friend’s apartment which was brightly lit with familiar faces. A calming wave of warmth crashed over my panic-stricken thoughts as my friend embraced me tightly. Tears escaped my eyes, flowing uncontrollably down my cheeks. Her mellow voice echoed:
“The friendship between us, this, is forever”
Her unconditional love pierced through the facade of my high-functioning anxiety, revealing a vulnerable soul buried beneath layers of the societal construct – the norms constructed by society that reveals nothing but a facade to mask the harsh truths of reality.
To deconstruct the linear, picture-perfect path society imposed, I had to steadily reconstruct my own. Barely keeping myself afloat from the intruding thoughts, the more I fought against the swallowing pits of anxiety, the greater I sunk and the less control I had over myself and my state of mind. That was when I had to put myself first. I decided that my path, for the time, was home.
—
Conservative criticisms from senior relatives hit me faster than the humidity of Bangkok.
Was I simply too weak? Too lousy to commit? Or too pampered to grow up? Their concerns implied urgency in repairing me like a damaged utility.
But the truth is, I was never broken. I never needed to be fixed. All I needed was time and therapy.
Gradually, I came to understand my anxiety through its multifaceted roots – through my neurochemical dispositions, my toxic dichotomous thought patterns, and the social adjustment of a significant transition. It wasn’t my “fault” that my life had taken an unexpected route. I didn’t and don’t have to blame myself for the decision I made – the best I made.
However, I felt obliged to justify my life decisions for external validation, wishing to prove to others I was enough. But upon reflection, the true validation I needed was from within. Simply admitting my vulnerability in battling against invisible struggles was enough for me to validate myself.
All my life, I was told to “stand out,” yet, all the while slight deviations from the norm were condemned. I was told to “try my best,” yet falling below mediocrity somehow meant my efforts were subpar. I was told to maintain “balance,” yet a minute not working was a future seemingly wasted.
Thoughts of self-inadequacy only plunged me deeper into the unreachable pits of darkness. The overwhelming fear of uncertainty of where my life was heading was making me lose sight of any hope in my life.
But as darkness started consuming my vision, I recalled the warmth of my friend’s affection, remembering to hold onto the smallest gleams of hope that would help me emerge from the depths of desolation. Hope, like my friendship with her, would always prevail.
—
Throughout my 18 years of reflection and realizations, my decision to take time off was a decision I truly made for myself, and only myself. I never “gave up on my future” but instead chose to prioritize myself and my needs to obtain a clearer vision before continuing my future pursuits.
My friend’s boundless love elucidated my discovery of self-love and appreciation that blossomed from within. Despite being half a world away, we still keep in close touch. Despite the brief but meaningful time we’ve spent together, hope was reignited through this friendship, at a time when I struggled to maintain my lifeline. I’ve learned to cultivate deeper empathy by becoming less critical of myself and others and acknowledging unseen hardships in people’s experiences.
My hardships don’t define me, as they are ever-changing circumstances beyond my control. Rather it’s the person I grow into and how I, thereby, let the experiences shape me, that define who I am.
During this, I rediscovered my ambition. Externalizing my feelings through writing allowed me to convey my unique experiences, like my sudden departure from college, allowing people to find solidarity in the universally shared feelings.
Mishaps in life are often depicted with regret; however, it’s through these hardships that reveal a nuanced understanding of the complexities of our lives. I learn to appreciate small hope, not at the end of the tunnel, but in every unique and purposeful path we pursue.
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